i've made the decision to go public, and you, lucky-tuesday-reader, are first in line to receive this information. i've been seeing a therapist, every single week, since october of 2008. in private, i refer to him as my mental sensei, because though i have never been trained in the martial arts (shocking, i know), i see some similarities between what he has been teaching me about my own mind and what mr. miyagi tried to drill into the karate kid. how to respond to stressors and challenges (karate chop those negative thoughts!), how to accept people and situations i cannot control or change (roundhouse kick, bad coping skills!), and how to find, instill, maintain, nurture, and protect peace in my own life, which is the most important and fundamental type of self defense that i can think of.
i made the decision to go public with my experiences in therapy because i'm sick of the negative stigma associated with it. "you mean, you want to sit down with someone every week and try and improve your life, your interactions, your functioning and your mental health? well obviously thats crazy." get over yourselves, therapy-bashers! nobody is perfect. i'm done with the judgements. i applaud anyone who makes the effort to continue to evolve and improve their existence. i applaud myself.
and what a hypocrite i would be if i didn't publicly acknowledge the efficacy of therapy and my own positive experiences with it. i firmly and resolutely believe in what therapy has to offer and the power of putting your struggles, issues, goals, wishes, hopes, dreams, thoughts, actions, beliefs, etc out there into the world, with the help of a compassionate, empathetic, trained professional, whose sole purpose for that entire hour is to help you. an entire hour when all you have to concentrate on is improving yourself. woohoo! the only better way that i can think of to spend an hour would involve a jacuzzi tub, bubbles, red wine and a sookie stackhouse novel, but therapy comes in at a very close second.
so today was my last session with mental sensei. unfortunately, he is unwilling to relocate with me to new mexico (no, i did not actually request him to do so, but he is such an awesome therapist, i really thought about it for a minute) and i am challenged today by something that mental sensei put out there to me. he said that it's important to honor and process and sit with my grief and sadness of leaving li while also acknowleding that i am looking forward to moving to new mexico and starting my life there. you see, tuesday-readers, old andie would have felt the pain and sadness, spiraled down into the black hole of panic, overwhelming grief and ultimately given in to the urge to flee, therefore avoiding the situation and never attaining closure. "new" andie (quite a misnomer, actually, because i don't feel new, maybe just improved? evolved? more experienced? i'll settle on an accurate adjective someday) has the urge to push it away, tell myself i'm fine and that i have great things to look forward to.
and mental sensei, in this very nonchalant way that he has, said to me "well andie, it's a continuum, and the goal is to be somewhere in the middle; being able to recognize and sit with this pain, and with it comes closure, acceptance, but also being able to move past it into the future." well thank you. let me just go ahead and do that. is there anyone who is actually able to do that, except for jesus, mother teresa, gandhi, bono, you get the idea? i cannot think of a more difficult task to put to my overworked and exhausted emotional system. "ok, guys, be sad and process the sadness, but also remind yourself we're gonna be ok." my heart (emotionally) is ready to stage a walk-out, or a sit-in or a march or some other form of non violent protest against my overachieving brain. this is hard. really hard. and all the tools, techniques, theories, etc that i have learned in the past two years from mental sensei is stretched to the limit and starting to fray at the edges.
but then again, thats when the growth happens, isn't it? isn't that how the super muscular men that i sometimes lust after (sorry mike) build their physique? the tiny tears in the muscle are created and when the muscle repairs itself, it becomes stronger, larger, more durable than it previously was. i guess in some ways, i'm aspiring to become an emotional body-builder, able to withstand, lift, endure and effectively cope with all that life can throw at me. look out world, i'm ready to pump you up.
be thankful,
andie.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
when words attack
i'm forcing myself to sit down and write today. i know that if i let more than a few days go by without writing, this blog will be doomed, its fragile little life cut short by the miniscule attention span of its author. i've never been able to be consistent with my writing, even though i really enjoy it. this is why i have a stack of journals with at most 3 to 4 entries per book. i even had it in my head that if i liked the cover of the journal enough, i'd stay consistent with writing in it. the only journal that lasted more than a few weeks was this cute little brown book with a coffee mug on it and the words "behind every woman is a substantial amount of coffee".. i loved it! but even that adorable coffee-loving cover couldn't keep me interested for more than a month or two.
and i'm a therapist, people! i know the power of journaling, of putting your thoughts, feelings emotions into the written word, putting it out in the universe. i know how cleansing and powerful and fulfilling it can be, and i recommend it to my clients all the time. but here i sit, arguing with myself about writing today, like a petulant child.
i'm resisting writing today so much because i just can't focus. i'm overwhelmed. i have this giant list of things i need to do before i leave, all of which are very accomplishable. but the more things i do on that list, the closer i get to leaving. and that is scaring me pretty bad today. i considered writing today about how much i'm going to miss long island, how much this place has become a home for me, but i'm not there yet. and i just can't bring myself to be there yet. not today.
so i'm going to write about self-talk. ugh. what a social work-y topic. i can just picture of all you who are not therapists or social workers saying to yourselves "is this really how i want to spend the next seven and a half minutes of my life? reading about andie's theories of self talk? no thanks, freud wanna be, i'm gonna go wash my hair", reaching up with your little mouse hand and clicking that pretty red x in the upper corner of the screen. i hate to be sucha stereotype, but here we go..
i'm lucky enough to have amazing almost- parents- in- law, who in this blog i will refer to as mc and dc (momcagg and dadcagg). they are two of my biggest fans and have been so supportive of me, especially since i've been living in their home. one of the most important lessons that i seem to be learning during my time with them is to pay attention to the words i use, especially when i'm talking about things that are happening to me, or talking to myself. sometimes i get so whipped up into a frenzy by a situation and when i start to express myself about it, i realize the words i use are more destructive to myself than whatever the worst situation could be. this was something that mc pointed out to me during a little breakdown i had this past thursday. i said to her that i felt like "everything was going to come crashing down onto my head, that it would bury me, and i wouldn't be able to get out of it", that "no one was helping me with my problem" and that i was "afraid of making mistakes which would impact the rest of my life". i told her that "i was at the end of my rope, that i felt broken and i couldn't do this anymore."
after being supportive and helping me mop up my face, waiting for me to calm down a bit and resume breathing, mc repeated those phrases back to me. and it shocked me how fatalistic, catastrophic, negative and downright dramatic i sounded. well of course i'm going to feel hopeless when i'm saying those horrible things to myself. don't get me wrong, oh-fearless-and-possibly-bored readers, i am very much in favor of expressing yourself honestly and completely, and yes, those words seemed to accurately represent what i was feeling at that moment. but what i'm realizing now is that using those words to describe my feelings and that situation only made it worse. i'm entitled to my feelings and to honor those feelings with words, but from this point forward, i'm going to make an effort to choose words that are going to support me, guide me in a positive direction, and highlight the control and strength i have in whatever situation i'm facing. the world is hard enough without spewing negative language at yourself. i should be my biggest source of strength and support, not cut myself down with vicious, fatalistic words and willingly hand over my power.
i know to some this might seem like such a tedious and time-wasting endeavor, but so continues my journey to improve this life i've been given, the only one i'm going to get, unless that whole reincarnation thing proves to be true (if so, i'm putting in my request now, and i think it would be super awesome to come back as a dolphin, just sayin).
be thankful,
andie.
and i'm a therapist, people! i know the power of journaling, of putting your thoughts, feelings emotions into the written word, putting it out in the universe. i know how cleansing and powerful and fulfilling it can be, and i recommend it to my clients all the time. but here i sit, arguing with myself about writing today, like a petulant child.
i'm resisting writing today so much because i just can't focus. i'm overwhelmed. i have this giant list of things i need to do before i leave, all of which are very accomplishable. but the more things i do on that list, the closer i get to leaving. and that is scaring me pretty bad today. i considered writing today about how much i'm going to miss long island, how much this place has become a home for me, but i'm not there yet. and i just can't bring myself to be there yet. not today.
so i'm going to write about self-talk. ugh. what a social work-y topic. i can just picture of all you who are not therapists or social workers saying to yourselves "is this really how i want to spend the next seven and a half minutes of my life? reading about andie's theories of self talk? no thanks, freud wanna be, i'm gonna go wash my hair", reaching up with your little mouse hand and clicking that pretty red x in the upper corner of the screen. i hate to be sucha stereotype, but here we go..
i'm lucky enough to have amazing almost- parents- in- law, who in this blog i will refer to as mc and dc (momcagg and dadcagg). they are two of my biggest fans and have been so supportive of me, especially since i've been living in their home. one of the most important lessons that i seem to be learning during my time with them is to pay attention to the words i use, especially when i'm talking about things that are happening to me, or talking to myself. sometimes i get so whipped up into a frenzy by a situation and when i start to express myself about it, i realize the words i use are more destructive to myself than whatever the worst situation could be. this was something that mc pointed out to me during a little breakdown i had this past thursday. i said to her that i felt like "everything was going to come crashing down onto my head, that it would bury me, and i wouldn't be able to get out of it", that "no one was helping me with my problem" and that i was "afraid of making mistakes which would impact the rest of my life". i told her that "i was at the end of my rope, that i felt broken and i couldn't do this anymore."
after being supportive and helping me mop up my face, waiting for me to calm down a bit and resume breathing, mc repeated those phrases back to me. and it shocked me how fatalistic, catastrophic, negative and downright dramatic i sounded. well of course i'm going to feel hopeless when i'm saying those horrible things to myself. don't get me wrong, oh-fearless-and-possibly-bored readers, i am very much in favor of expressing yourself honestly and completely, and yes, those words seemed to accurately represent what i was feeling at that moment. but what i'm realizing now is that using those words to describe my feelings and that situation only made it worse. i'm entitled to my feelings and to honor those feelings with words, but from this point forward, i'm going to make an effort to choose words that are going to support me, guide me in a positive direction, and highlight the control and strength i have in whatever situation i'm facing. the world is hard enough without spewing negative language at yourself. i should be my biggest source of strength and support, not cut myself down with vicious, fatalistic words and willingly hand over my power.
i know to some this might seem like such a tedious and time-wasting endeavor, but so continues my journey to improve this life i've been given, the only one i'm going to get, unless that whole reincarnation thing proves to be true (if so, i'm putting in my request now, and i think it would be super awesome to come back as a dolphin, just sayin).
be thankful,
andie.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
may i please quit now?
i formally resigned from my job yesterday. what a process. this was my first "big girl" job, so i really had no idea what i was doing in the resignation department. but it really felt like i was breaking up with someone. i had to write a formal statement and submit it to a whole bunch of people who had to "approve" it. i found that so interesting. my quitting has to be approved? is there a case in history where someones quitting was not approved? questions of the universe.
thats another thing: resigning vs. quitting. i guess if you leave on good terms and you're not a jerkface about it, it's "resigning". quite different from flipping desks, cursing out the receptionist and slamming the door, which would be "quitting". i've never done the latter, but i would imagine how liberating that could be. someday.
i really like working with people, but leaving this type of job is really difficult. my job was really to try and make my client's lives as stable as possible, so it really bothers me to be leaving at a time when some of my client's situations are disastrous. however, if i got it in my head that i couldn't leave until everyone was "stable", whatever that even means, i'm pretty sure i'd be there until i died. nonetheless, this is uncomfortable, to put it mildly.
my clients are interesting and after telling all of them that i'm leaving, i've gotten the whole range of emotions. some are happy for me, wishing me luck and thanking me for the work i've done with them. some are really stoic and either really don't care, or are very good at pretending they don't care. and of course, some are really really really angry that i would have the audacity to leave them. i do feel badly about it, especially since the turnover in this profession is relatively high. some of my clients have been through 3 or 4 workers before me, and that can be hard on a person. but it's hard on me too. especially thinking about leaving the kids. one client's 4 year old daughter got on the phone and told me how much she's going to miss me, because i would always bring her little presents when i did homevisits. i have a soft spot for the lil guys.
of course, for those of you who know me well and are "lucky" enough to hear some of the stories from my work experiences, you know how pleased i am to be leaving some parts of my job. human suffering, such as what i have been witness to with some of my clients, is an exhausting, destructive, and vile thing to observe. anger, hate, rage, lies, guilt, etc all seem to coalesce into this swirling vortex of hateful emotion, and as much as you try and separate yourself from it, sometimes it sweeps you into its path... or at least, it did for me. leaving this part of my job feels liberating and cleansing for me.
i have 4 more working days after today and am simultaneously ecstatic and devastated that its almost over.
all in all, it's been an incredible year and 3 months at my very first job, and i thank everyone who has been a part of it. i've grown immensely and conquered fears i didn't even know i had. i know the geography and roadways of li better than most of its long time residents and have met some exceptional people along the way.
a big thank you to my incredible bosses, all three of them, who have guided me down my little social work-y path with support, wisdom and warmth. and a huge thank you to a certain co worker who always took the time to answer my random questions, listen to my case stories, tolerate my ranting, introduce me to the best shoe store i've ever experienced, secretly make fun of others with me, and somewhere along the way, become my friend. i value and appreciate you and will miss you.
until next time,
be thankful,
andie.
thats another thing: resigning vs. quitting. i guess if you leave on good terms and you're not a jerkface about it, it's "resigning". quite different from flipping desks, cursing out the receptionist and slamming the door, which would be "quitting". i've never done the latter, but i would imagine how liberating that could be. someday.
i really like working with people, but leaving this type of job is really difficult. my job was really to try and make my client's lives as stable as possible, so it really bothers me to be leaving at a time when some of my client's situations are disastrous. however, if i got it in my head that i couldn't leave until everyone was "stable", whatever that even means, i'm pretty sure i'd be there until i died. nonetheless, this is uncomfortable, to put it mildly.
my clients are interesting and after telling all of them that i'm leaving, i've gotten the whole range of emotions. some are happy for me, wishing me luck and thanking me for the work i've done with them. some are really stoic and either really don't care, or are very good at pretending they don't care. and of course, some are really really really angry that i would have the audacity to leave them. i do feel badly about it, especially since the turnover in this profession is relatively high. some of my clients have been through 3 or 4 workers before me, and that can be hard on a person. but it's hard on me too. especially thinking about leaving the kids. one client's 4 year old daughter got on the phone and told me how much she's going to miss me, because i would always bring her little presents when i did homevisits. i have a soft spot for the lil guys.
of course, for those of you who know me well and are "lucky" enough to hear some of the stories from my work experiences, you know how pleased i am to be leaving some parts of my job. human suffering, such as what i have been witness to with some of my clients, is an exhausting, destructive, and vile thing to observe. anger, hate, rage, lies, guilt, etc all seem to coalesce into this swirling vortex of hateful emotion, and as much as you try and separate yourself from it, sometimes it sweeps you into its path... or at least, it did for me. leaving this part of my job feels liberating and cleansing for me.
i have 4 more working days after today and am simultaneously ecstatic and devastated that its almost over.
all in all, it's been an incredible year and 3 months at my very first job, and i thank everyone who has been a part of it. i've grown immensely and conquered fears i didn't even know i had. i know the geography and roadways of li better than most of its long time residents and have met some exceptional people along the way.
a big thank you to my incredible bosses, all three of them, who have guided me down my little social work-y path with support, wisdom and warmth. and a huge thank you to a certain co worker who always took the time to answer my random questions, listen to my case stories, tolerate my ranting, introduce me to the best shoe store i've ever experienced, secretly make fun of others with me, and somewhere along the way, become my friend. i value and appreciate you and will miss you.
until next time,
be thankful,
andie.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
dont laugh at me
ok, so i have to be honest. i'm not a "blog"-y person. i've never been and am not sure i will ever become one. computers scare me sometimes... actually, most of the time. i'm fascinated and in awe of people who seem to grab computers by their robotic face and master them (grill and bittles, heres lookin at you). i'm always worried that i'm going to cause some irreparable damage that will spread like wildfire to other computers.. i guess sort of like a superaids for lusty computers.. and after all the dust settles, it will have been me, trying to watch jersey shore re runs online, that will have caused the catastrophic breakdown of the entire internet.
however, i'm moving. and after moving a few times already, i know a few things about this process. one, its incredibly difficult to keep all of your loved ones updated in an acceptable fashion about all of the goings-on in your life. two, you end up answering the same question a whole bunch of times ("yes, i'm working in an elementary school... yep, working with children... mmhmm, got a job working with kids, very excited...") you get the idea. three, its super hard to keep in touch with everyone as it is, that i will welcome anything that makes it a bit easier to say a quick hello.... four, moving is hard. really, really, really hard. being an emotional and social creature, i'm going to need a forum to vent, complain, brag, rant, get support, etc etc,... and in the interest of saving mike's sanity, i'm going to try not to dump it all on him.
which brings me to my very first blog experience.. i have no idea what i'm going to write about. or even if i'll stick with it. but i'm going to try to make this my way of staying connected with all of the exceptional people that i have accumulated throughout my life. for those you who went to high school or college with me, you are well aware that i am horrible at keeping in touch. believe me, its not because i don't love you or don't think about you. sometimes it hurts too much. as i've said before, moving is hard.
so thank you to all of you who choose to read this, and i'll welcome your thoughts, comments, hatemail, etc.. i'd like this to be a window into my new life in new mexico with mike, as a counselor in an elementary school, in a whole new climate, with a whole new population. change is a-comin'...
be thankful,
andie.
however, i'm moving. and after moving a few times already, i know a few things about this process. one, its incredibly difficult to keep all of your loved ones updated in an acceptable fashion about all of the goings-on in your life. two, you end up answering the same question a whole bunch of times ("yes, i'm working in an elementary school... yep, working with children... mmhmm, got a job working with kids, very excited...") you get the idea. three, its super hard to keep in touch with everyone as it is, that i will welcome anything that makes it a bit easier to say a quick hello.... four, moving is hard. really, really, really hard. being an emotional and social creature, i'm going to need a forum to vent, complain, brag, rant, get support, etc etc,... and in the interest of saving mike's sanity, i'm going to try not to dump it all on him.
which brings me to my very first blog experience.. i have no idea what i'm going to write about. or even if i'll stick with it. but i'm going to try to make this my way of staying connected with all of the exceptional people that i have accumulated throughout my life. for those you who went to high school or college with me, you are well aware that i am horrible at keeping in touch. believe me, its not because i don't love you or don't think about you. sometimes it hurts too much. as i've said before, moving is hard.
so thank you to all of you who choose to read this, and i'll welcome your thoughts, comments, hatemail, etc.. i'd like this to be a window into my new life in new mexico with mike, as a counselor in an elementary school, in a whole new climate, with a whole new population. change is a-comin'...
be thankful,
andie.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)