thank you for shopping at walmart

Hola! Happy Thursday. I haven’t been writing as much, so I apologize. I’m sure all of you are going through painful withdrawal from my profound and earthshattering words (ha!), but m and I have been busy entertaining. Chops and Melissa have been visiting us since Saturday night and unfortunately today is their last day in the lovely southwest. We have had many adventures, including pumpkin carving and painting, very intense games of scrabble and a certain disaster involving a case of steel reserve and poor judgment. We did a lovely hike on Sunday afternoon where I was viciously attacked by a spiky plant and obtained some lovely hives on my hand. It’s a good thing we were hiking with a nurse. After a prolonged dunk in a frigid mountain stream, my hand composed itself and we thankfully avoided amputation. Monday brought the craziest wind storm I have ever witnessed. The tumbleweeds were working over time as they sailed down our street. On the way home from work, andiepants was caught in her first duststorm. What a strange and foreign experience for little eastern andie. The cars slowed to a crawl as the wind hurled minute pieces of sand and dust at Howie, raging at us like the little dust-nado (not an actual word) it was as we tried to get home. Howie and pants were successful in making it home, and after being rained on just a bit, Howie again looks beautiful.

And then Tuesday happened. Oh, Tuesday. I firmly believe that the absolute worst way to start your day is a dentist appointment. And I have had some experience in the dental arena (more on that in later posts, but I’m fairly certain I put my former dentists children…. And grandchildren… through college…. At Harvard). Andiepants should have had the foresight to realize that scheduling a dentist appointment at seven thirty am would set an ominous tone for the rest of the day. Oh and it certainly did. After having my gums and teeth poked and stabbed with giant iron hooks for approximately two hours, I had a not so awesome day at work. However, the icing on the cake was what I experienced at everyone’s favorite evil supercenter, wallys. Firstly, it is red ribbon week at school in new mexico. For all of you that slept through elementary school, let me remind you that red ribbon week is the anti drug awareness and education week. And yours truly, being the illustrious school counselor, coordinated and organized the lessons and events occurring during said week. Furthermore, I had just completed an entire day educating the cutest residents of new mexico about the dangers of drugs and alcohol and doing activities with them to beef up their “just say no” skills. so imagine my horror, dear readers, as I was caught in wally’s by several students while buying beer. Crap! From the lady who had just told them alcohol is bad, it hurts your mind and your liver and your family, etc, went directly to wally’s after work and bought beer. My face was flaming and stomach was churning as my tiny ones turned to their parents, explained that I was the counselor at their school and that it was red ribbon week. Will someone please invent the trap door that will save me from future embarrassing experiences such as this one by allowing me to drop through the floor and pop out in China?

And theres more….

Following this priceless encounter, I ran out of walmart after paying for my ill-advised purchases, threw the cart next to Howie and frantically began loading my packages, certain that if I wasted any precious moments, more children would come spilling out of their parents vehicles catching me in my ill-timed and slightly hypocritical act of purchasing alcohol. I blame this fit of panic for the events that occurred next. As I stopped in Tulie, which is about 20 minutes away from wally’s, to address some internet nonsense, I discovered that my wallet was not residing in its usual home. After ripping apart Howie for the next 15 minutes (sorry about that, Howie T), it dawned on me that in my frantic acts of throwing packages out of the cart and at my car, I had left my wallet in the cart. Noooooooooooo! I contemplated just chalking it up to a loss and going home, losing close to $100 in cash, all of my cards and id. That is how much I did not want to make the trek back to wallys (I hate that place so intensely and it irks me so much that I feel forced to shop there. However, a big thank you to maddy who suggested that I get through it by pretending it’s a video game. I have been doing that and it has made it a more manageable experience. Twenty points for dodging the senior citizens who cannot control their carts, fifty points for having the self control and will power to restrain myself from murdering the unsupervised children running at me, and a hundred points for not having a total and complete anxiety attack due to all the overstimulation, racks of superfluous crap, and constant announcements on the damn intercom).

Back to the missing wallet. I say again, crap! I ended up going back to wally’s and speaking to the cart lady (I believe the proper name for this person is “greeter”? But I submit that that is a misnomer. A more appropriate title for this person would be “old person who stands near the entrance/exit of the evil institution and stares at you while you try to pull your chosen cart out of the crusty and sticky cart-mass. This person very often gets in your way as you attempt to obtain said cart and makes jokes that are neither relevant nor funny. Finally, this person completes your shopping experience by wasting your time as you try to exit the store with your purchases, as they slowly and forgetfully ascertain that you did not steal anything.” I guess “greeter” is a more abbreviated way of saying all of that….).

The cart lady assured me that she had seen no such wallet and also decided to lift my spirits by informing me that a woman had just lost her wallet the night before, with two hundred dollars in it, and that it was stolen within ten minutes because “people here can’t be trusted.” Six hundred points to me for not punching that lady in the face.

I then went to the capital of “we have no idea what we’re doing” land, the mecca of incompetence; the customer service kiosk. This special little gem of humanity has the uncanny ability to make me lose my temper in five seconds or less. But! Dear readers, andiepants hung on, refraining from yelling or having my head explode all over the floor long enough to get to the front of the line after twenty five minutes, and ask the bored attendant about my wallet and…. Have her tell me that my husband had already called and that it was not there. I didn’t bother to correct her about the differences between fiancé and husband, settled on glaring at her intensely and andie-stomped away.

Things looked pretty bleak for our freckly protagonist. Trapped in wally’s parking lot, surrounded by members of the human species that would have made Darwin vomit all over himself, and a lost wallet to boot. However, if this would have been a cartoon, dear readers, you would have seen the proverbial light bulb flash over my head. What if the cart in which I left my wallet had not yet been collected and herded into a corral with its other cart friends? I spent the next fifteen minutes of my precious life sifting through the dirtiest carts I have ever experienced, until finally, success! My little blue wallet was tucked under the blue wally’s flap in the front, obscuring it from view, unless you were andie-eyes, searching for it, which meant that all of my money, various cards and id were still tucked snugly inside. Oh happy day. I arrived at in zozo, three hours late and majorly disgruntled, but my mood did a complete turnaround when I arrived home and found that our wonderful guests had cooked a delicious dinner.

In closing, I'd like to extend a big thank you to our wonderful visitors, we have had a great time showing fellow easterners our southwestern home and look forward to the next fearless souls who take the plunge, brave the torrent of tumbleweeds and come and visit. Oh and happy birthday chops. There is no better place to celebrate your 27^th birthday than new mexico. 

as always, 

be thankful, 

andie

my alter ego has pompoms.

happy weekend, favorite-readers! andiepants has been in weekend mode since about noon yesterday. the kiddos were dismissed at one o'clock yesterday for the homecoming activities. yep, it's homecoming in new mexico. hooray. as i walked across the playground to my waiting miss scarlett (mike stole howie today, but more on that later), i could hear the marching band playing proudly, the drums beating and the over-excited cheerleaders and football players "whooo!!"ing to their hearts content. and i have to tell you, possibly-cold-readers, that andiepants felt a big wave of nostalgia.

i'm not sure how many of you knew miss andiepants between the years of 1999-2003, so many of you may be surprised to discover how fanatically school spirited i was from the ages of thirteen to seventeen. oh i loved it! so in honor of new mexican homecoming, i'd like to lead my fine readers down a happy little trail of high school memories. if the thought of cheerleading, school pride, or anything of the sort makes you want to puke, i advise you to click the little red x now.

.....

..... ok. good for you, fearless readers. first a little history. andiepants grew up in a moderately sized town located north of buffalo that loves its football. not as much as creepy super southern towns where football players could all but murder people and it would be ok, but football ranked pretty highly. slightly below the lord and red meat, but definitely above most other things. and my town did not have homecoming; instead we had "TNT", which represented the two towns who opposed each other in the annual football game (t vs. nt). and like any other football crazed community, we had activities which led up to the big game during "TNT week."

our tnt week featured themes for every school day, including some themes that i'm sure are found all over the country, including mismatch day, pajama day, school color day, etc. however, we had one day, that i truly believe stands apart from the rest of the world: lumberjack day. and no, my school did not have some arbitrary weird obsession with our wood-cutting friends which caused them to include this burly icon into our school spirit week. this, my friends, was our school mascot; the north tonawanda lumberjacks, or, if you find yourself getting tired just attempting the entire proper name, you can abbreviate it, such as we did, and say the nt jacks. oh yes, i can hear all of my long island friends dying laughing at this exact moment. but there is history behind it! we're located on a canal, and there was lumber and we shipped the lumber and..... whatever, i'm just going to keep going.

anyway, we had lumberjack day. and as you have probably surmised, we dressed up as lumberjacks. now, you might think that this would be a bummer for adolescent andiepants who always seemed to want to skank it up during high school. but no! i successfully constructed the cutest lumberjack outfit ever, using a short jean skirt, a flannel shirt knotted at the waist, pigtails, a beanie and of course, black leather knee high boots. take that, paul bunyon.

if that doesn't make you want to vomit all over your computer screen, this next bit probably will. not only was andiepants on the dance team (called..... wait for it..... lumberjazz.... affectionately known as "lumberspaz"), i was captain. head spaz. i was that girl who hosted the dance team kick off bbq and made everyone play "get to know each other" games, the one who could never get her pony tail quite high enough, and who made sure that i spent a good amount of time curling my ribbons before i put them in my hair for spirit day. i bopped down the hallways of nths with school spirit busting out of my pores. now, several years later, i can recognize, accept and possibly even sympathize with the goth kids who sincerely and intensely hated me.

the tnt car parade was held the afternoon of the big game every year. my dance ladies and i would choose a theme, spend countless hours constructing materials and decorating our vehicle and then pile ourselves into it, yelling at everything we looked at, and"whoo!"ing until our faces turned blue and our voices were hoarse. i now feel very badly for anyone who might have had the very unfortunate luck to be stuck in traffic behind it. special shout out to my brother and his cohorts, who ruined the car parade for all following years, by having several accidents, and waving IBC rootbeer bottles out of the window (which look exactly like regular beer bottles). as a result, by the time andiepants was able to participate in her inaugural car parade, there were so many restrictions and "safeguards" that it was a shadow of what it used to be. thank you, danny.

my dance team performed our routines at half time, our pom poms whirling and ribbons flying around our forced smiles. we also performed during basketball season, but that was a distant second compared to the fun we had in the fall. the crisp air, the beautiful leaves, the stadium lights illuminating our block-headed, testosterone-filled male counterparts, as they tried to destroy each other on the field. it was a great time.

and, loved readers, i do find it so incredibly ironic when i consider the fact that mike and i probably wouldn't have been friends in high school. my future husband probably would have taken one look at me, all decked out in my vest and pom poms, and said "no thanks", went off to do his version of "extracurricular activities" and left peppy andiepants to bounce around the football field by herself or with "chad, the quarterback". to be quite honest, most of the people i currently love and consider to be close friends of mine would have given me a wide berth in high school.

how amazing personal evolution is! don't get me wrong, readers, i regret my high school activities not one bit. i had a fantastic time becoming involved in my school and in the community at large, and am thankful i took the opportunity to do so. but there is a time and place for everything. peppy andie has evolved to a more peaceful andie. my once frantic-puppy-like-energy has transformed into a more mellow state of mind. and i'm ok with it. i no longer have much interest in adolescent boys throwing themselves at one another. actually, it would probably be weird if that persisted.

behold.... andiepants in all of her school spirit glory. and yes, i did win most school spirited in the high school superlatives.

this was my first time experiencing a homecoming and not being in it, or at the very least, a part of the school. and though i had fleeting feelings of sadness and missed the shenanigans of adolescent andie breifly, i feel very comfortable with adult andie. and happy that i'm not so annoying anymore.

wishing everyone a fantastic weekend and being thankful for my own,

andie.

eloping doesn't look like such a bad idea...

ahhhhhhhh i'm getting married. yes, i know, sunday-evening readers, i've been engaged for a few months already, so i should be well aware of this fact. but hey, what can i say? sometimes i'm a bit thick-headed and things take a while to settle in. sometimes andie-thoughts just kind of float around for a little while, bumping around inside my head like drunk people at the bumper cars. i think it goes back to my well-intentioned, but sometimes tragically malfunctioning defense mechanism. andie-brain has this tendency to take things that make her nervous or anxious and push them down into a little lockbox in the back of her brain. there, the steel lid snaps shut and silences the anxiety-provoking thoughts. quite effective sometimes, i must say. the downside to this defense mechanism is that the negative worry inducing thoughts like to let themselves out at the most inopportune moments. leave it to stressful thoughts to wreak havoc on the andie-psyche, like mischievous teenagers who sneak out of the house when mom's back is turned. after pushing away worries, successfully, for several weeks, they jump up and bite me in the ass. surprise! we're still here!

which is exactly what happened this weekend. as i was sipping a delicious beverage at the ruidoso oktoberfest, wedding anxieties gave me a nice kick in the teeth. i went from "man, the germans know what they're doing when it comes to beer" to "ah! we haven't set a date yet! we won't be able to find a place within our budget! we're never going to married!" whoa, a-pants. lets kick it down a notch. 

and let me clarify. these thoughts of getting married is not a bad-anxious, not a "i don't want to think about it" anxious, just overwhelmed, i guess. sometimes i feel a bit out of place in this new role of bride-to-be. just because i am now the owner of an incredible piece of jewelry, i have not suddenly begun to care about 8 tier cakes or save the dates. at all. i was hoping it would come to me, once the ring was slipped on my finger, and boom! i would be a wedding planning machine. this was not the case. i feel pretty lost in this whole she-bang. it seems so big, so unweildly, and i can't seem to wrap my head around it. 

i received an amazing book from my future sis in law called the "offbeat bride" and i found it to be so helpful in these early days of the dreaded wedding planning. it begins by discussing what the witty and clever author termed a "bride-dentity" crisis. ha! truer words were never spoken. at the risk of plagiarism, let me briefly paraphrase her thoughts. she stated that just because she had gotten engaged to the man she loved, she felt like she was now expected to care deeply about embroidered linens, chair backings, and pew bows....to attract all available attention like a crinoline-covered black hole, ordering bridesmaids about, and having a meltdown because she wanted hot pink lilies and ended up with fuchsia ones... to threaten caterers with death because they dared to change the menu.... to feel comfortable spending an inordinate excessive mind-blowing amount of money on a single day.

i do not want that to be me, friends. let it be known that i feel each couple is entitled to a wedding meeting their specifications, be it by-the-book traditional or off the wall crazy -pants. be a $100 for the license and blood test elopement, or a $100,000 ornate affair complete with ice sculpture and snobbery. go forth and be happy, people! but why do i need to conform to "factory cookie cutter wedding?" who says i need a bouquet toss, an army of bridesmaids, or my future husband in an ill-fitting uncomfortable tuxedo? i feel so frustrated that weddings have become so establishment that society is ready to hand you a preplanned concoction of "your wedding" which not only is ok, but that you should want and covet because everyone else is doing it. the one thing that i do not want to morph into is the aptly termed bridezilla. a woman who storms about, abusing her friends and family, just because she was lucky enough to find someone to marry her. sigh. i find these women to be a detriment to our progress as a gender, immature and petty. 

i am feeling a bit of stress regarding this endeavor. planning a wedding in new york from new mexico is going to be quite a challenge. however, i need to remind myself that i am surrounded by the best friends and family in the entire world, who have already offered to help me in so many way. i also need to keep in mind what really matters throughout this whole process; that i am getting the opportunity to marry my best friend. kick ass! who cares if the invitations aren't perfect, or if some of the guests get super drunk and inappropriate (hey friends!). the important, essential, center of this entire idea is to craft a celebration of love between mike and i.. to include our friends and family in our decision to spend the rest of our lives together... to have the most important people in our lives bear witness to the creation of our new family. that's what its all about. not ice sculptures, or hor d'oeruves, or snotty people in cocktail dresses getting too drunk and too loud. its about being able to call mike my husband, and hearing him call me his wife. and that, my friends, gives me no anxiety at all. 

being thankful tonight for my almost-husband, 

andie.

andie-stew.

there is nothing like one hundred and ten degree water to test your endurance. when i think about water that hot, i usually picture it in my cute little kettle, rapidly approaching boiling, in its oh-so-urgent-squealy-voice. sidenote: it appears there is nothing more insistent than my kettle when it boils. as it squeals though my apartment, it indignantly commands that you come pour it. right now. in its urgent quest to reach my waiting packet of tea, it somehow has the ability to take what should be a very relaxing experience (drinking chamomile tea) and sprinkle just a bit of annoyance into it. i'll have to work on that... 

seeing as how i did not intend to write a full blog post on tea tonight (most of you are probably sighing with relief, as your mouse clicky hand hovers dangerously above the little red x in the corner), i should probably cease and desist my grievances against my kettle. 

i had the opportunity to spend approximately twenty four glorious hours in a lovely little hot springs resort in truth or consequences, new mexico. lets take a minute, and recognize that there is a place in the universe actually named "truth or consequences." i still can't get over it. i had a great time in "t or c". what a quaint little western town it is! full of history and interesting things to look at. it felt like such a reminder of the wild wild west that i half expected the sheriff to swing down main street with his giant horse and his six shooter. "listen, yew new yorkers. there ain't enough room here in t or c for both of us. so i reckon ya'll are gonna hafta to git up on outta here. y'hear?" ah! that interaction would have been the only thing that would have made this trip better. 

desert beauty. pretty, but dangerous.

even with the absence of the proverbial lawman, it was an amazing trip. only about two hours away from our little zozo, t or c is equipped with one of the most beautiful displays of natural hot springs i have ever seen. obviously, the resort business has capitalized on this, and dozens of places to soak have popped up all over this beautiful town. m and i arrived at t or c with four friends of ours. we drove up with the happiest married couple i have ever met. they seem to have so much love and fun in their relationship. his dreadlocks perfectly compliment her passion about recycling (she was working on crocheting a bag made from old plastic walmart bags! awesome!). and the best part is that they get to spread their loving and generous energy to the their two children. it's always a beautiful thing to recognize that two amazing humans are parents. rock on, friends. at the springs, we met another friend of ours and her mother at the resort. and what lovely ladies they are. i am indeed learning alot from all of my interactions with these people. 

our relaxation location was riverbend hot springs (check it out if you have a chance), which is a mostly outdoor facility, all snuggled up on the banks of the rio grande. it features five public pools, which range from 100-110 degrees. the water is piped in to the first pool and then gradually flows through the other pools, slowly descending in temperature, before it completes its journey into the rio grande. it also contains three private pools that you can rent for an hour at a time for an extra fee. there are tons of places to lounge about on the grounds, all different types of chairs, tables, and one of those circle chairs that i very ungracefully launched myself into, spilling my coffee and giving the ladies who were watching behind me a very good laugh. the six of us piled into a three bedroom apartment, equipped with living room and kitchen. for the rest of the day, and into the evening, our lives consisted of soaking in the pools, getting out to drink wine, soaking again, playing a game of scrabble, soaking some more, you get the idea... 

after eating my first completely vegan meal (delicious, by the way), we enjoyed some more wine and hopped in for our last soak of the night. the next morning, the universe smiled down at us in a big way. apparently, a careless employee had left one of the plugs open and alas, the water decided it wanted to rejoin its friends in the rio grande and we awoke  to empty pools. as andiepants sleepily strolled around the grounds this morning at about 7:30am, armed with my caffeinated best friend, the owner sheepishly admitted his predicament. he then stated that since we were not able to use the public pools, he would open the private pools for the guests. score! i quickly realized that i was one of the first guests out and about, and quite possibly the only person that knew about this opportunity. andiepants quickly scurried back to the room to inform the troops, and within fifteen minutes, we were awake, dressed for the springs, coffee in hand and kerplunked into one of the most beautiful hot springs i have ever seen. woo hoo! i'd like to offer a big thank you to the hurried employee who mistakenly left the plug open. you made my morning. for the next hour or so, we soaked in a private pool, aptly named "rio" overlooking it's namesake, the rio grande and the beautiful mountains of new mexico. bliss!! 

a view of the rio pool, its namesake, and the beautiful mountains

a close up of the beautiful construction of the rio pool

so i repeat, there is nothing like one hundred ten degree water to test your endurance. yes, it was relaxing. my bones and muscles signed with relief as my tired stressed out body sunk into the mineral-rich water. but damn! it was hot! at certain points, i began to feel like andie-stew, slowly simmering while some evil being prepared the pesto sauce that would accompany me. if someone would have walked out with some sliced carrots and paprika, i would have been very alarmed. i had to make sure that i did not push my body, as i am a new hot spring-er. so i made sure to stay hydrated, and give myself plenty of breaks from the steaming water. as i became more and more relaxed, my mind was free to let go of its obtrusive tensions and anxieties and to just ramble around in my head, exploring. ideas about the wedding just came pouring out of me. and let me tell you, columbus-day readers, how exquisitely excited i am about our wedding. colors for the ladies dresses, types of foods, pictures we'd like, my dress, so many exciting ideas swirled around my sedated brain in a flurry of anticipation.

unfortunately, they made us leave this afternoon, because we have to get back to pesky work. i'd like to explore the possibility of doing counseling sessions from the hot springs, connected to my little dudes via satelite or internet. "ms. wright, i know we're talking about bullying, but why is there steam rising off of you?" i'm not sure the school would go for it. 

so in closing, thank you for this beautiful and relaxing weekend. it does wonders for my mind and soul to be rejuvenated in this way. i'd also like to extend the warmest congrats to cousin val and her new fiance, rob. and a very happy birthday to two of my "brothers", rob and dave. and though i am not particularly thankful for columbus, he who rampaged through an entire continent, spreading disease and misery, and disrupting the lives of millions, i do have to begrudgingly give just a bit of thanks for the day off of work.

be thankful, 

andie.

happy birthday bandit.

good evening, sleepy tuesday readers. i typically do not blog two days in a row. writing can be very emotional for me (especially my most recent entry) and sometimes i need some time off. but i decided to make an exception on this crisp cool autumn evening. october fifth is a special day for me and will continue to be for the rest of my life. today, my childhood canine companion, bandit, would have turned twenty years old. in human years. twenty! i can't believe it. it is a testimony to how quickly time passes. so in honor of my first furry friend, i'd like to say a few words about him and the joy that he brought to my life.

my family adopted bandit on november 20th, 1990. we had attended a buffalo sabres game the night before, at which it had been decided that tiny baby andiepants (five years old at the time) would not accompany her family as they went dog-shopping. it is not because i didn't like puppies. on the contrary, friends. there is nothing that brings more joy to my soul than puppy-cuddles. kindergarden andiepants just had a hard time dealing with all the barking at the animal shelter. hey, i had sensitive tiny ears. don't judge me. anyway, it was decided that my cousin laura accompany the rest of my family to the shelter to select our first dog.

and when my parents picked me up from my aunt's house that day, they brought with them a tiny, black, brown and white puppy, approximately six weeks old, and quivering in a little box. he was given the moniker bandit because of a black stripe of fur that covered his soft little brown head right near his eyes, as if he were wearing a tiny puppy mask, meant to conceal his adorable identity, as he robbed your house of milkbones. my brother later told me that he fell in love with this particular puppy the moment he saw him. bandit had been housed with two other puppies (his sisters, i believe), and one of them was sitting on his head, trapping him in his water dish. we firmly believe that this early puppy-trauma established bandit's deep rooted fear of water, but more on that later.

and thus bandit became a part of the family. danny and bandit would play for hours and hours in the living room, both of them expending endless amounts of youthful energy, running and chasing. bandit would "attack" danny, ever so gently wrapping his little baby puppy teeth around danny's hands and then letting go before any injury was committed. bandit was not allowed to "play" with me, because i was so small, but he came to me after danny tired him out, and we cuddled and napped together.

in the spring of 1991, while i was attending half day kindergarden, my father and bandit would pick me up from school every afternoon. my father was working second shift at that time, and the three of us spent our afternoons together, walking home through the tree lined neighborhoods, eating oatmeal sandwiches (more on oatmeal sandwiches in later posts, friends, i promise) and taking well deserved naps. bliss.

and so continued our happy little family of five, four humans and one dog with more personality than most people i've encountered. bandit had very distinct preferences, and he made them known. if bandit had a profile on match.com, i believe it would read something like this:

"adorable tri colored puppy, mixed breed, in search of lovely, female companion. likes: cheese (preferably american), milkbones, walks, female dogs and their ladyparts, running, playing with my people, the cottage and peeing on no fewer than 18 trees per walk. dislikes: water, being dressed up for halloween, small dogs, and baths (the whole water thing again). you can find me at the big red house on the corner."

and i believe that if the universe had seen fit to outfit bandit with opposable thumbs, he most certainly would have taken the internet dating scene by storm. that dog was the definition of heterosexual. he loved the ladies. and the bigger the better. bandit would take "a self-led walk" (in other terms, he ran away) about once or twice a year, and after only 20 minutes or so of searching, we would find him, attempting to seduce a ladydog three times his size. as we separated him from his one-night-puppy-stand, the looks he shot us were reminiscent of an angsty sixteen year old glaring at his mother for embarrassing him. his behavior around town earned him a reputation and a new nickname, bandit the love dog.

my brother left home in 1998 and bandit handled danny's departure in stride. we had a feeling that he was upset that his person had left, but we didn't know just how upset he was until danny returned home for his first visit home. as danny tried to embrace and love on his faithful dog, bandit turned tail and walked the other way, clearly displaying his displeasure. eventually, bandit forgave him and all was right with the world.

bandit lived a long and happy life, sniffing things, eating cheese and milkbone cakes that i made him every october fifth, and chasing squirrels until the summer of 2003. andiepants had just graduated high school and was preparing to go to college. to this day, i firmly believe that bandit intuitively knew that i needed him to stick around and assist and support me as i made that huge transition. and he did. as i was becoming settled in my decision to move to rochester and being my collegiate life, bandit quickly and quietly passed away on july 14th, 2003. the hardest thing that i have ever had to do was to call my brother on the phone and tell him that bandit had left us. the months that followed were a difficult time for my family. some think that dogs are just superfluous additions to our lives, and form little attachment to them. but not our family. we loved bandit as he should have been loved, as part of the family. and when we lost him, we lost our fifth member.

it was a year and a half before my family decided they were ready to get a new dog, and the memory of bandit never strays too far away from me. i often think about what would happen if our current family dog and bandit were to meet. would they get along? would they fight each other? would they share war stories? "yeah, they dressed me up as a mouse for halloween in '93. a mouse! can you believe that? i'm a dog, for crying out loud! thats the way to give a guy a complex." 

as much fun as i am having conducting hypothetical canine conversations,  i am noting the time, dear readers, and unfortunately, must wrap this up so that i'll be able to counsel the children tomorrow. in closing, i'd like to say thank you to bandit, wherever he may be. do i think there is a dog heaven somewhere where bandit is playfully chasing squirrels and eating entire wheels of cheese? probably not. but i do think his soul is still floating around somewhere, or maybe he's been reborn into another puppy. either way, he was the best childhood companion i could have ever asked for. loyal, cuddly, funny, intelligent, caring and adorable. the perfect puppy package. bandit, we miss you. happy 20th birthday. next year, i'll be sure to buy you a beer.

be thankful,

andie.

if you're reading this, i probably miss you.

i have no idea what to write about. i hate this feeling. i have this unspoken rule that i only write when i feel inspired, when something occurs in my day that i find interesting, moving, upsetting, hateful, incredible, enlightening, etc etc etc. and i guess that i've been able to write so consistently for the past month only because i've been in a giant state of transition. so i've had alot of material. but now...  could it be that the andie-dust is finally settling? that i am beginning to become acclimated to my new southwestern existence? maybe, but i don't think so. i mean, yes, i'm beginning to recognize that this is my home, but i can't quite convince myself that thats the reason for my ill-timed bout of writers block. i think i'm feeling pain and i'm trying to avoid it. the whole "maybe if i don't write about it, it isn't real" theory, comparable to the "if i don't move, they can't see me", defense mechanism used by bunnies (a word to bunnies: this does not work; i can see you). and similarly, i know that i'm lying to myself and have been putting off writing because writing, being so cathartic for me, will inevitably bring this crappy pain to the surface. all those dark, murky, feelings. ick.come on, defense mechanisms, kick in! make like a bunny and stop moving; they cant see you!

but in the interest of progression, evolving, and learning to sit with pain, i'm going to delve into it. mental sensei, this is your doing (if you're confused about who mental sensei is, dear readers, please find the "pda" post). here we go.

i had a really hard weekend. we had tentative plans with another couple for friday night, and they fell through, for a very good reason, i might add. working and hiking and early morning rising were blamed. all very acceptable. but i was devastated. to some, my disappointment may have appeared excessive. but i had been looking forward to this all week. i had cleaned the apartment, i had gotten my hair cut, and i was ready to entertain some friends!  and unfortunately, it did not come to be. i think i was so upset by this because , as those of you who are long-island dwellers probably know, i love being a hostess. love. it. when m and i lived on main street on long island, i loved having people over for dinner. it was one of the best parts of living there. especially the very unexpected dinner guests, like evan. evan was employed down the street from us and several nights a week he became an unexpected dinner guest. loved it! when evan wasn't dining with us, and sometimes when he was (thank god we have more than 3 plates), several other friends regularly stopped by to partake in the cagg cookin and andie adventures. both are delicious, i might add.

the main street apartment was also a bit of a hub for li friend traffic, which was also very enjoyable. i thoroughly appreciated my friends who took the time to stop by, for whatever reason, to say hello and enjoyed their company more than words can say. i so looked forward to hosting parties at my apartment, cleaning the day of, preparing some snacks and drinks, getting ready, and finally having the opportunity to interact with all of these people who took time out of their lives to relax with me. even though i very often went to sleep before everyone else (most times in a very sneaky manner)  i still enjoyed myself to no end.

so you can imagine how pleased andiepants was when i thought i would be able to reprise this role in my new southwestern environment. it gave me a sense of home, something to anchor onto, since lately i've been feeling like that piece of glitter in the bottom of a snowglobe thats being violently shaken by an angry three year old. you know that piece of glitter. just trying hang on and shine a little bit while doing so. 

the dam was finally broken. i have been here for a month and not once during that time had i fully recognized how much i miss my friends and family until i was canceled on last friday night. and the pain came flooding through me. i thought about how much i missed those people who would gladly stop by, invited or otherwise, just because they wanted to see how we were doing. i thought about hanging out around a bonfire, or at the beach, or on our amazing green couches, talking and listening to music and drinking crappy beer late into the night. hey everyone, i miss that. 

my only consolation on that very weepy friday was that i've done this before. when i first made the move to li, i was a mess. an absolute culture-shocked, small-town-girl-kerplunked-in-the-big-city, terrified mess. i spent many a day, night, afternoon, midmorning, pick your time of day, feeling sorry for myself that "i had no friends" and that "i didn't belong." but a funny thing happened to that 21 year old andiepants who was convinced that li was evil, furiously hoping that it would hurry up and sink because i would never be happy there: i made friends. imagine! and not just any friends. in the three years i resided on the width-challenged island, i made friendships that to me are lifelong, friends so important that i cant imagine my wedding without them sitting there supporting me (or standing up there with me, hola, ms. torns). the terrified girl from buffalo "who didn't fit in" found a place, a spot, in a group of friends that at first encounter, i found so intimidating that i wanted to walk home from my inaugural camping trip in maryland. the one who "didn't belong" became so important to some of these beautiful people that andiepants leaving this group was painful for them. i became loved and loved in return. 

i remind myself of this in these early, unsure, sometimes difficult days of my new life here in the southwest. sometimes i feel so lonely, and wonder why this was the right move for me at this time, if it has ripped me away from those i love. but then sometimes, i take a deep breath of this beautiful crisp kind-of-mountainy air, look in any direction, see the majestic mountains soaring out of the desert, the greatest contradiction in the universe,

Look how beautiful this is!!!!

and know that this is right where i am supposed to be. the pain i'm feeling is the pain i am meant to be feeling. friends, they call it "growing pains" for a reason. and i know that i will be stronger after this experience and will get to know myself better during this time. and friends will be found. never a group like i have experienced on li, no comparable group of people exists. but friends, good friends, will come. in the meantime, the best thing that i can do, as per mental sensei, is to "recognize and accept the pain, the grief of the loss of li, while also embracing the change, the potential, the excitement, and the sheer positivity of your new environment." so here goes: 

long island - i miss the shit outta you. come visit me.

new mexico- you are so beautiful, and i cant wait to get to know you more. 

until next time, 

be thankful, 

andie.