thank you for shopping at walmart

Hola! Happy Thursday. I haven’t been writing as much, so I apologize. I’m sure all of you are going through painful withdrawal from my profound and earthshattering words (ha!), but m and I have been busy entertaining. Chops and Melissa have been visiting us since Saturday night and unfortunately today is their last day in the lovely southwest. We have had many adventures, including pumpkin carving and painting, very intense games of scrabble and a certain disaster involving a case of steel reserve and poor judgment. We did a lovely hike on Sunday afternoon where I was viciously attacked by a spiky plant and obtained some lovely hives on my hand. It’s a good thing we were hiking with a nurse. After a prolonged dunk in a frigid mountain stream, my hand composed itself and we thankfully avoided amputation. Monday brought the craziest wind storm I have ever witnessed. The tumbleweeds were working over time as they sailed down our street. On the way home from work, andiepants was caught in her first duststorm. What a strange and foreign experience for little eastern andie. The cars slowed to a crawl as the wind hurled minute pieces of sand and dust at Howie, raging at us like the little dust-nado (not an actual word) it was as we tried to get home. Howie and pants were successful in making it home, and after being rained on just a bit, Howie again looks beautiful.

And then Tuesday happened. Oh, Tuesday. I firmly believe that the absolute worst way to start your day is a dentist appointment. And I have had some experience in the dental arena (more on that in later posts, but I’m fairly certain I put my former dentists children…. And grandchildren… through college…. At Harvard). Andiepants should have had the foresight to realize that scheduling a dentist appointment at seven thirty am would set an ominous tone for the rest of the day. Oh and it certainly did. After having my gums and teeth poked and stabbed with giant iron hooks for approximately two hours, I had a not so awesome day at work. However, the icing on the cake was what I experienced at everyone’s favorite evil supercenter, wallys. Firstly, it is red ribbon week at school in new mexico. For all of you that slept through elementary school, let me remind you that red ribbon week is the anti drug awareness and education week. And yours truly, being the illustrious school counselor, coordinated and organized the lessons and events occurring during said week. Furthermore, I had just completed an entire day educating the cutest residents of new mexico about the dangers of drugs and alcohol and doing activities with them to beef up their “just say no” skills. so imagine my horror, dear readers, as I was caught in wally’s by several students while buying beer. Crap! From the lady who had just told them alcohol is bad, it hurts your mind and your liver and your family, etc, went directly to wally’s after work and bought beer. My face was flaming and stomach was churning as my tiny ones turned to their parents, explained that I was the counselor at their school and that it was red ribbon week. Will someone please invent the trap door that will save me from future embarrassing experiences such as this one by allowing me to drop through the floor and pop out in China?

And theres more….

Following this priceless encounter, I ran out of walmart after paying for my ill-advised purchases, threw the cart next to Howie and frantically began loading my packages, certain that if I wasted any precious moments, more children would come spilling out of their parents vehicles catching me in my ill-timed and slightly hypocritical act of purchasing alcohol. I blame this fit of panic for the events that occurred next. As I stopped in Tulie, which is about 20 minutes away from wally’s, to address some internet nonsense, I discovered that my wallet was not residing in its usual home. After ripping apart Howie for the next 15 minutes (sorry about that, Howie T), it dawned on me that in my frantic acts of throwing packages out of the cart and at my car, I had left my wallet in the cart. Noooooooooooo! I contemplated just chalking it up to a loss and going home, losing close to $100 in cash, all of my cards and id. That is how much I did not want to make the trek back to wallys (I hate that place so intensely and it irks me so much that I feel forced to shop there. However, a big thank you to maddy who suggested that I get through it by pretending it’s a video game. I have been doing that and it has made it a more manageable experience. Twenty points for dodging the senior citizens who cannot control their carts, fifty points for having the self control and will power to restrain myself from murdering the unsupervised children running at me, and a hundred points for not having a total and complete anxiety attack due to all the overstimulation, racks of superfluous crap, and constant announcements on the damn intercom).

Back to the missing wallet. I say again, crap! I ended up going back to wally’s and speaking to the cart lady (I believe the proper name for this person is “greeter”? But I submit that that is a misnomer. A more appropriate title for this person would be “old person who stands near the entrance/exit of the evil institution and stares at you while you try to pull your chosen cart out of the crusty and sticky cart-mass. This person very often gets in your way as you attempt to obtain said cart and makes jokes that are neither relevant nor funny. Finally, this person completes your shopping experience by wasting your time as you try to exit the store with your purchases, as they slowly and forgetfully ascertain that you did not steal anything.” I guess “greeter” is a more abbreviated way of saying all of that….).

The cart lady assured me that she had seen no such wallet and also decided to lift my spirits by informing me that a woman had just lost her wallet the night before, with two hundred dollars in it, and that it was stolen within ten minutes because “people here can’t be trusted.” Six hundred points to me for not punching that lady in the face.

I then went to the capital of “we have no idea what we’re doing” land, the mecca of incompetence; the customer service kiosk. This special little gem of humanity has the uncanny ability to make me lose my temper in five seconds or less. But! Dear readers, andiepants hung on, refraining from yelling or having my head explode all over the floor long enough to get to the front of the line after twenty five minutes, and ask the bored attendant about my wallet and…. Have her tell me that my husband had already called and that it was not there. I didn’t bother to correct her about the differences between fiancé and husband, settled on glaring at her intensely and andie-stomped away.

Things looked pretty bleak for our freckly protagonist. Trapped in wally’s parking lot, surrounded by members of the human species that would have made Darwin vomit all over himself, and a lost wallet to boot. However, if this would have been a cartoon, dear readers, you would have seen the proverbial light bulb flash over my head. What if the cart in which I left my wallet had not yet been collected and herded into a corral with its other cart friends? I spent the next fifteen minutes of my precious life sifting through the dirtiest carts I have ever experienced, until finally, success! My little blue wallet was tucked under the blue wally’s flap in the front, obscuring it from view, unless you were andie-eyes, searching for it, which meant that all of my money, various cards and id were still tucked snugly inside. Oh happy day. I arrived at in zozo, three hours late and majorly disgruntled, but my mood did a complete turnaround when I arrived home and found that our wonderful guests had cooked a delicious dinner.

In closing, I'd like to extend a big thank you to our wonderful visitors, we have had a great time showing fellow easterners our southwestern home and look forward to the next fearless souls who take the plunge, brave the torrent of tumbleweeds and come and visit. Oh and happy birthday chops. There is no better place to celebrate your 27^th birthday than new mexico. 

as always, 

be thankful, 

andie