Happy Monday! I start with a disclaimer. I had grand plans to blog on Friday and Saturday… for friday, I planned to chronicle my last day of twenty four, and provide a review on the past year of my life, and on saturday, share my thoughts on my birthday...the best laid plans, right?… I was swept away this past weekend by my fabulous fiancé and didn’t think it proper to pause in the middle of dinner and start blogging. excuse me, could we have a bigger table? i'm not sure i'm able to fit my laptop and steak on the same space. a bit rude, dont you think. So here we are on the monday after a blog-free weekend. a horror, indeed. so as to not exhaust your special eyes or brains, i've decided to bust up this literary behemoth into two parts. tonight, i'll address what should have been discussed on friday; my 24th year. stay posted for a subsequent post concerning my birthday activities.
As some of you may know, I turned 25 this past Saturday. A whole quarter of a century of andie. Who should be so lucky? I am looking forward to this new year of my existence, but as always, before one can fully embrace the future and be ready to accept this next phase of life, one must turn backward and appreciate what has come before. So, I give to you, 24 in review.
Andiepants turned 24 on Friday, November 6th 2009 and it was the first birthday where I was required to attend a full day of work that day. gross. further, I spent the morning of the day of my birth picking up and transporting a mattress and box spring for one of my client’s children. Friends, this was not how I envisioned spending my special day, however, I did feel good about the work I was doing. Previously, this 12 year old had been sharing a twin bed with her incredibly large mother, because they could not afford another bed, so anything I could do to help was fine by me. I ended up dropping the mattress on myself, scraping a large chunk of skin off my little foot and getting a very large and nasty birthday bruise. In the afternoon, I came back to my office to prepare for my 3pm “meeting” with my supervisor. Now, friends, Andiepants was convinced that this was not actually a supervision meeting, but a surprise birthday gathering. And I had reason to believe this, not just my because of my own abundant narcissism, but this was the running practice throughout the office. Many a surprise birthday celebration had been done this way, complete with cupcakes, fruit and office coffee. Plus, it was Friday afternoon and who doesn’t love a party on Friday afternoon? Three o’clock arrived, as it does every day, twice a day, I readied my papers, and strode into my supervisor’s office, already being able to taste the cupcakes and assorted fruit. I sat down into the chair across from my boss’s desk… and…….read her my case notes! It was really a supervision meeting! Crap! I spent the next hour discussing my caseload with my boss and being silently furious.
Once home, I relayed my disappointing story to Mike who couldn’t help but smile. It’s funny now, but then, I was very bummed. No matter! I had a party to prepare for! That night, I hosted “24’s for 24”, a celebration of my 24th birthday complete with 24 oz cans of your favorite beverage. It was quite a success. Many friends came over to share the occasion with me and I felt loved and happy.
Twenty four continued to be a really great year for andiepants. I continued to settle into myself as an adult and naturally and happily shed my collegiate sorority girl partying persona for a more focused, mellow energy. This was the first year in which I had a full time job and actually began to make money! And believe me after counting pennies obsessively for most of my life, this came as a welcome change. Please don’t misunderstand, friends. I’m a social worker. I’m not exactly rolling in money here, but I was making enough that I didn’t have to constantly worry about every single dollar. happy times, indeed.
Twenty four also brought forth a battle of mine that I have struggled with all of my life, who has been a constant companion of mine, a continual burden on my secretly spontaneous and fun loving soul. I was deeply challenged in the winter of 2009-2010 by my anxiety disorder, which decided to not only rear its unwanted and obnoxious head, but to make my life somewhat difficult for approximately six months. Looking back, I am now appreciative of this situation, because it forced me to confront and address my anxiety, rather than just pushing it back down into the andie lock-box as I was so accustomed to. I had my first panic attack in October of 2009. As with all sufferers of anxiety and panic, I was blown away by the ferocity of my own mind. I have been trying to describe what a panic attack feels like to Mike since they began, and after nearly a year of trying, I fail to even come close to the terror that envelopes the sufferer, but I’ll again attempt to share with you, dear readers, about what my mind and body experienced.
Picture yourself driving along a road. It’s straight and flat at first, the sun is shining, your favorite music is on the radio, the birds are flying above and all is well in the world. Then, an intrusive thought pops your utopian bubble. crap. At first, your minds attempts to push down this petty worry, which is at first only as big as an annoying little bee buzzing around your positive attitude. You try to mentally swat it away, telling yourself that you’ll figure it out and not to worry too much. The little bee, who started out so cute, with its fuzzy little body and adorable antennae, becomes more aggressive and insistent, and before you know it, your tiny insect friend has become a rageful hornet, divebombing your face. You struggle onward on your little road, clamping down on this anxiety, but suddenly, the road which was once straight and peaceful, has developed a few small hills, and the clouds are gathering. The hornet antagonizes you once again, except this time, it’s a bit bigger, its buzzing is louder, its stinger is more pronounced and foreboding. Fear kicks in. Crap. This road is getting nasty, this hornet is getting huge. Suddenly, you’ve forgotten about the original worry, whatever that was, and are now overcome with fear. Rather than focusing on the source, the root of your discomfort, which is typically very manageable, you are now responding to the fear of fear, which, once you allow yourself to come to this point, is incredibly difficult to overcome. Your body responds instantaneously. The adrenaline kicks in, fast and hard, your heart is pounding away in your chest, causing dull chest pains to radiate through your chest neck and arms. Your breathing becomes uneven and forced, and as your body craves more oxygen, you start to feel dizzy and unsure of your footing. The stomach begins to turn in knots and fear, dark, murky, and overwhelming invades all of your senses. It is at this point that the hornet returns, approximately 900 feet tall, with a stinger the size of the empire state building, ready to tear your face off. It roars at you, as you desperately try to navigate the now treacherous road, filled with boulders, pot holes, hair pin curves and coated in a slick sheet of ice. Your body is gripped in a terror that is palpable, the fear alarms going off incessantly, your heart pounding wildly and irregularly, your limbs shaky, your bladder about to unload itself, bathroom notwithstanding, and all you want to do is crawl into a hole and scream. It is at this point that you realize there is a very good possibility that you will die. Right here. That your heart will simply give out, the fear will eat you, there will be no one around to help you and that will, most definitely, die. Multiply the above paragraph by about 50 and that my friends, is a panic attack.
I struggled on during winter and spring, trying to manage this internal monster, but having very limited success. The final straw came in June of 2010. I was conducting an individual therapy session with a 13 year old girl when all of the sudden, I felt the fear start to slide insidiously in. This had never happened at work before and before I knew it, I was in a full blown panic attack, with searing heat and pain at the center of my chest, shaking hands and legs, and a stomach that could have competed on the US gymnastics team. I invoked my fight or flight response and fled, right out of my sesion, lying and telling my client and her mother that i was in the throes of a migraine. this was one of my most embarrassing and defeating moments.
but as with most crises, it spurred me to action. It has been almost six months since that time, and I am happy to report that I feel that I have a firm hold on my anxiety. I have worked my andie-ass off to get this under control and know that it will be an eternal process. Unfortunately, this is something that will never be cured, but can be managed so that it interferes with life no longer.
in july 2010 i became engaged to my best friend and made the decision to move across the country with him and start a new chapter in this crazy comic book entitled "andie-life." this was really the final struggle of twenty four, summoning the courage and invoking the strength to relocate thousands of miles away from my family and friends, to concentrate on my life and the life i'm creating with my almost-husband.
at times, twenty four seemed like a very difficult year for me, but turned out to be one of the most productive years of my life, second only to those very early years of my life, when i learned how to walk, talk, doubled in size, and all of that other nonsense. The struggles endured during twenty four were necessary, as I now feel more comfortable in my own skin, imperfections and all, crooked teeth and freckle-mania, and have discovered a deep and persistent well of inner strength. and that, my friends, is the best birthday present i could ever receive.
be thankful,
andie.
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