when words attack

i'm forcing myself to sit down and write today. i know that if i let more than a few days go by without writing, this blog will be doomed, its fragile little life cut short by the miniscule attention span of its author. i've never been able to be consistent with my writing, even though i really enjoy it. this is why i have a stack of journals with at most 3 to 4 entries per book. i even had it in my head that if i liked the cover of the journal enough, i'd stay consistent with writing in it. the only journal that lasted more than a few weeks was this cute little brown book with a coffee mug on it and the words "behind every woman is a substantial amount of coffee".. i loved it! but even that adorable coffee-loving cover couldn't keep me interested for more than a month or two.

and i'm a therapist, people! i know the power of journaling, of putting your thoughts, feelings emotions into the written word, putting it out in the universe. i know how cleansing and powerful and fulfilling it can be, and i recommend it to my clients all the time. but here i sit, arguing with myself about writing today, like a petulant child.

i'm resisting writing today so much because i just can't focus. i'm overwhelmed. i have this giant list of things i need to do before i leave, all of which are very accomplishable. but the more things i do on that list, the closer i get to leaving. and that is scaring me pretty bad today. i considered writing today about how much i'm going to miss long island, how much this place has become a home for me, but i'm not there yet. and i just can't bring myself to be there yet. not today.

so i'm going to write about self-talk. ugh. what a social work-y topic. i can just picture of all you who are not therapists or social workers saying to yourselves "is this really how i want to spend the next seven and a half minutes of my life? reading about andie's theories of self talk? no thanks, freud wanna be, i'm gonna go wash my hair", reaching up with your little mouse hand and clicking that pretty red x in the upper corner of the screen. i hate to be sucha stereotype, but here we go.. 

 i'm lucky enough to have amazing almost- parents- in- law, who in this blog i will refer to as mc and dc (momcagg and dadcagg). they are two of my biggest fans and have been so supportive of me, especially since i've been living in their home. one of the most important lessons that i seem to be learning during my time with them is to pay attention to the words i use, especially when i'm talking about things that are happening to me, or talking to myself. sometimes i get so whipped up into a frenzy by a situation and when i start to express myself about it, i realize the words i use are more destructive to myself than whatever the worst situation could be. this was something that mc pointed out to me during a little breakdown i had this past thursday. i said to her that i felt like "everything was going to come crashing down onto my head, that it would bury me, and i wouldn't be able to get out of it", that "no one was helping me with my problem" and that i was "afraid of making mistakes which would impact the rest of my life". i told her that "i was at the end of my rope, that i felt broken and i couldn't do this anymore."

after being supportive and helping me mop up my face, waiting for me to calm down a bit and resume breathing, mc repeated those phrases back to me. and it shocked me how fatalistic, catastrophic, negative and downright dramatic i sounded. well of course i'm going to feel hopeless when i'm saying those horrible things to myself. don't get me wrong, oh-fearless-and-possibly-bored readers, i am very much in favor of expressing yourself honestly and completely, and yes, those words seemed to accurately represent what i was feeling at that moment. but what i'm realizing now is that using those words to describe my feelings and that situation only made it worse. i'm entitled to my feelings and to honor those feelings with words, but from this point forward, i'm going to make an effort to choose words that are going to support me, guide me in a positive direction, and highlight the control and strength i have in whatever situation i'm facing. the world is hard enough without spewing negative language at yourself. i should be my biggest source of strength and support, not cut myself down with vicious, fatalistic words and willingly hand over my power.

i know to some this might seem like such a tedious and time-wasting endeavor, but so continues my journey to improve this life i've been given, the only one i'm going to get, unless that whole reincarnation thing proves to be true (if so, i'm putting in my request now, and i think it would be super awesome to come back as a dolphin, just sayin).



be thankful,
andie.