eloping doesn't look like such a bad idea...

ahhhhhhhh i'm getting married. yes, i know, sunday-evening readers, i've been engaged for a few months already, so i should be well aware of this fact. but hey, what can i say? sometimes i'm a bit thick-headed and things take a while to settle in. sometimes andie-thoughts just kind of float around for a little while, bumping around inside my head like drunk people at the bumper cars. i think it goes back to my well-intentioned, but sometimes tragically malfunctioning defense mechanism. andie-brain has this tendency to take things that make her nervous or anxious and push them down into a little lockbox in the back of her brain. there, the steel lid snaps shut and silences the anxiety-provoking thoughts. quite effective sometimes, i must say. the downside to this defense mechanism is that the negative worry inducing thoughts like to let themselves out at the most inopportune moments. leave it to stressful thoughts to wreak havoc on the andie-psyche, like mischievous teenagers who sneak out of the house when mom's back is turned. after pushing away worries, successfully, for several weeks, they jump up and bite me in the ass. surprise! we're still here!

which is exactly what happened this weekend. as i was sipping a delicious beverage at the ruidoso oktoberfest, wedding anxieties gave me a nice kick in the teeth. i went from "man, the germans know what they're doing when it comes to beer" to "ah! we haven't set a date yet! we won't be able to find a place within our budget! we're never going to married!" whoa, a-pants. lets kick it down a notch. 

and let me clarify. these thoughts of getting married is not a bad-anxious, not a "i don't want to think about it" anxious, just overwhelmed, i guess. sometimes i feel a bit out of place in this new role of bride-to-be. just because i am now the owner of an incredible piece of jewelry, i have not suddenly begun to care about 8 tier cakes or save the dates. at all. i was hoping it would come to me, once the ring was slipped on my finger, and boom! i would be a wedding planning machine. this was not the case. i feel pretty lost in this whole she-bang. it seems so big, so unweildly, and i can't seem to wrap my head around it. 

i received an amazing book from my future sis in law called the "offbeat bride" and i found it to be so helpful in these early days of the dreaded wedding planning. it begins by discussing what the witty and clever author termed a "bride-dentity" crisis. ha! truer words were never spoken. at the risk of plagiarism, let me briefly paraphrase her thoughts. she stated that just because she had gotten engaged to the man she loved, she felt like she was now expected to care deeply about embroidered linens, chair backings, and pew bows....to attract all available attention like a crinoline-covered black hole, ordering bridesmaids about, and having a meltdown because she wanted hot pink lilies and ended up with fuchsia ones... to threaten caterers with death because they dared to change the menu.... to feel comfortable spending an inordinate excessive mind-blowing amount of money on a single day.

i do not want that to be me, friends. let it be known that i feel each couple is entitled to a wedding meeting their specifications, be it by-the-book traditional or off the wall crazy -pants. be a $100 for the license and blood test elopement, or a $100,000 ornate affair complete with ice sculpture and snobbery. go forth and be happy, people! but why do i need to conform to "factory cookie cutter wedding?" who says i need a bouquet toss, an army of bridesmaids, or my future husband in an ill-fitting uncomfortable tuxedo? i feel so frustrated that weddings have become so establishment that society is ready to hand you a preplanned concoction of "your wedding" which not only is ok, but that you should want and covet because everyone else is doing it. the one thing that i do not want to morph into is the aptly termed bridezilla. a woman who storms about, abusing her friends and family, just because she was lucky enough to find someone to marry her. sigh. i find these women to be a detriment to our progress as a gender, immature and petty. 

i am feeling a bit of stress regarding this endeavor. planning a wedding in new york from new mexico is going to be quite a challenge. however, i need to remind myself that i am surrounded by the best friends and family in the entire world, who have already offered to help me in so many way. i also need to keep in mind what really matters throughout this whole process; that i am getting the opportunity to marry my best friend. kick ass! who cares if the invitations aren't perfect, or if some of the guests get super drunk and inappropriate (hey friends!). the important, essential, center of this entire idea is to craft a celebration of love between mike and i.. to include our friends and family in our decision to spend the rest of our lives together... to have the most important people in our lives bear witness to the creation of our new family. that's what its all about. not ice sculptures, or hor d'oeruves, or snotty people in cocktail dresses getting too drunk and too loud. its about being able to call mike my husband, and hearing him call me his wife. and that, my friends, gives me no anxiety at all. 

being thankful tonight for my almost-husband, 

andie.