if you're reading this, i probably miss you.

i have no idea what to write about. i hate this feeling. i have this unspoken rule that i only write when i feel inspired, when something occurs in my day that i find interesting, moving, upsetting, hateful, incredible, enlightening, etc etc etc. and i guess that i've been able to write so consistently for the past month only because i've been in a giant state of transition. so i've had alot of material. but now...  could it be that the andie-dust is finally settling? that i am beginning to become acclimated to my new southwestern existence? maybe, but i don't think so. i mean, yes, i'm beginning to recognize that this is my home, but i can't quite convince myself that thats the reason for my ill-timed bout of writers block. i think i'm feeling pain and i'm trying to avoid it. the whole "maybe if i don't write about it, it isn't real" theory, comparable to the "if i don't move, they can't see me", defense mechanism used by bunnies (a word to bunnies: this does not work; i can see you). and similarly, i know that i'm lying to myself and have been putting off writing because writing, being so cathartic for me, will inevitably bring this crappy pain to the surface. all those dark, murky, feelings. ick.come on, defense mechanisms, kick in! make like a bunny and stop moving; they cant see you!

but in the interest of progression, evolving, and learning to sit with pain, i'm going to delve into it. mental sensei, this is your doing (if you're confused about who mental sensei is, dear readers, please find the "pda" post). here we go.

i had a really hard weekend. we had tentative plans with another couple for friday night, and they fell through, for a very good reason, i might add. working and hiking and early morning rising were blamed. all very acceptable. but i was devastated. to some, my disappointment may have appeared excessive. but i had been looking forward to this all week. i had cleaned the apartment, i had gotten my hair cut, and i was ready to entertain some friends!  and unfortunately, it did not come to be. i think i was so upset by this because , as those of you who are long-island dwellers probably know, i love being a hostess. love. it. when m and i lived on main street on long island, i loved having people over for dinner. it was one of the best parts of living there. especially the very unexpected dinner guests, like evan. evan was employed down the street from us and several nights a week he became an unexpected dinner guest. loved it! when evan wasn't dining with us, and sometimes when he was (thank god we have more than 3 plates), several other friends regularly stopped by to partake in the cagg cookin and andie adventures. both are delicious, i might add.

the main street apartment was also a bit of a hub for li friend traffic, which was also very enjoyable. i thoroughly appreciated my friends who took the time to stop by, for whatever reason, to say hello and enjoyed their company more than words can say. i so looked forward to hosting parties at my apartment, cleaning the day of, preparing some snacks and drinks, getting ready, and finally having the opportunity to interact with all of these people who took time out of their lives to relax with me. even though i very often went to sleep before everyone else (most times in a very sneaky manner)  i still enjoyed myself to no end.

so you can imagine how pleased andiepants was when i thought i would be able to reprise this role in my new southwestern environment. it gave me a sense of home, something to anchor onto, since lately i've been feeling like that piece of glitter in the bottom of a snowglobe thats being violently shaken by an angry three year old. you know that piece of glitter. just trying hang on and shine a little bit while doing so. 

the dam was finally broken. i have been here for a month and not once during that time had i fully recognized how much i miss my friends and family until i was canceled on last friday night. and the pain came flooding through me. i thought about how much i missed those people who would gladly stop by, invited or otherwise, just because they wanted to see how we were doing. i thought about hanging out around a bonfire, or at the beach, or on our amazing green couches, talking and listening to music and drinking crappy beer late into the night. hey everyone, i miss that. 

my only consolation on that very weepy friday was that i've done this before. when i first made the move to li, i was a mess. an absolute culture-shocked, small-town-girl-kerplunked-in-the-big-city, terrified mess. i spent many a day, night, afternoon, midmorning, pick your time of day, feeling sorry for myself that "i had no friends" and that "i didn't belong." but a funny thing happened to that 21 year old andiepants who was convinced that li was evil, furiously hoping that it would hurry up and sink because i would never be happy there: i made friends. imagine! and not just any friends. in the three years i resided on the width-challenged island, i made friendships that to me are lifelong, friends so important that i cant imagine my wedding without them sitting there supporting me (or standing up there with me, hola, ms. torns). the terrified girl from buffalo "who didn't fit in" found a place, a spot, in a group of friends that at first encounter, i found so intimidating that i wanted to walk home from my inaugural camping trip in maryland. the one who "didn't belong" became so important to some of these beautiful people that andiepants leaving this group was painful for them. i became loved and loved in return. 

i remind myself of this in these early, unsure, sometimes difficult days of my new life here in the southwest. sometimes i feel so lonely, and wonder why this was the right move for me at this time, if it has ripped me away from those i love. but then sometimes, i take a deep breath of this beautiful crisp kind-of-mountainy air, look in any direction, see the majestic mountains soaring out of the desert, the greatest contradiction in the universe,

Look how beautiful this is!!!!

and know that this is right where i am supposed to be. the pain i'm feeling is the pain i am meant to be feeling. friends, they call it "growing pains" for a reason. and i know that i will be stronger after this experience and will get to know myself better during this time. and friends will be found. never a group like i have experienced on li, no comparable group of people exists. but friends, good friends, will come. in the meantime, the best thing that i can do, as per mental sensei, is to "recognize and accept the pain, the grief of the loss of li, while also embracing the change, the potential, the excitement, and the sheer positivity of your new environment." so here goes: 

long island - i miss the shit outta you. come visit me.

new mexico- you are so beautiful, and i cant wait to get to know you more. 

until next time, 

be thankful, 

andie.